Thursday, December 11, 2008
Dieting for The Retarded
Okay, I did it.
I, who sells things for a living, bought the sales pitch of Jillian "Born A Man" Michaels.
I, the cynical skeptic, empathized with Oprah's admission that she was pushing 200 pounds again.
I relinquished control and acknowledged that I cannot make decent food decisions.
(For proof, please refer to Exhibit A, a.k.a. my da-donka-donk butt.)
I signed up for eDiets meal delivery.
This is a picture of my refrigerator and one full week of breakfast, lunch and dinner.
It's just one shelf. 21 meals in one shelf.
Clearly, this endeavor will teach me portion control, if nothing else.
How is the food, you ask?
So far I've enjoyed strawberry yogurt with raisins, sunflower seeds, and yogurt for breakfast; for lunch, a whole wheat tortilla wrap with grilled chicken, grilled vegetables, and honey mustard dressing. And it wasn't bad at all! Everything is fresh, never frozen, so it's a much better experience than, say, Lean Cuisine.
I'm dialing in to this, with cheerful mantras swimming through my brain: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!" and "I can't wait to button my pants again!" But, also the more cutting ones: "I don't want to hate my mirror reflection anymore" and "I must set a good example for my daughter; I never want her to hate her body like I do".
Dinner awaits! Meatloaf with pesto and spinach, roasted red potatoes and Sicilian blend vegetables. I can feel the fat melting away.... I'm confident these 30 pounds will be gone by the end of the month...
But, right now I'm remembering a Hallmark card my friend once sent me.
On the front it says "I'm on a diet and making better choices. Instead of a hot fudge sundae, I have a salad. Instead of taking the elevator, I'm taking the stairs."
On the inside: "Instead of talking to people, I'm ripping their heads off. Instead of opening the door, I'm ripping it off the hinges. Instead of eating more, I'm gnawing my hand off until my arm is nothing but a bloody stump."
Amen, Hallmark. Amen.