Monday, April 25, 2011

Tina Fey's Prayer for Her Daughter

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.


Source: Bossypants

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I Have Comment Envy

How come everyone comments at PetuniaFacedGirl and no one comments here?
Don't pretend you didn't make your way here from there.
Comment, bitches.
My husband's awesome blog,, has the same non-commentary issue. As does the awesomeness that is
Really, what is wrong with you people? Have you NOTHING to say?
I am so jealous of Susannah and her nasty Anonymous cat-calling comments.
Say SOMETHING. Say ANYTHING (insert photo of John Cusack with boombox over head).

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Random Thoughts

  • Is Anderson Cooper really gay? Because, goddam he's cute.
  • Anne Heche. Seriously. What's up with that? I'd love to have lunch with her just once so I could ask her about the aliens.
  • Do you use your parking brake? I totally don't. Do you have to live in San Francisco for this to be a real issue?
  • Mafia Wars on Facebook. Why am I obsessed?
  • Dave Letterman. Clinton before that. I was an intern once - how come the boss didn't want to fuck me??
  • Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka. If you haven't had it, run out and buy it. Now.
  • Am I the only one that seriously thinks that Depends are a good idea on an almost daily basis?
  • Yon Ka. Best skin care line ever.
  • Thanks to TMZ, I now know Oprah's middle name. It's Gail. Kinda creepy because that's her best friend's name. (It's official. I know way too much about Oprah.)
  • If you're not following John Mayer on Twitter, you're totally missing out.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

See Chelsea??

See how behind I am?
I need a suggestion for my next post!