Happy Time!

Repossess My Heart

There was a time when I had no idea what the hell a bounty hunter really did. My only exposure to the profession was Boba Fett. Then "Dog the Bounty Hunter" arrived on the scene with his wife, the human SRS air-bag, and I was suddenly intrigued by the most meaningless details of the occupation.

Now, this fascination has transferred to "Operation Repo" on TruTV.

There's the charismatic pastor, clutching his bible, arguing that his BMW (complete with gold package) cannot be repossessed because it is "God's car". There's the distraught pizza delivery guy, throwing pepperoni slices as a diversionary tactic. People get maced and punched and arrested. 

Most importantly are the repo employees... a frightening woman who has Sharpie-d on her eyebrows in broad strokes... the 'roided-up Mr. Clean douchebag who escalates every situation through unnecessary aggression...the savvy owner who greatly resembles a Mario Brothers Macy's parade balloon.

Is it staged? Completely fake?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

But could I eat it with a big cheap plastic spoon? 

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. 

Also, on my Cannot-Look-Away-From-The-Wreckage TV list?

Momma's Boys

That one I could eat with a big blonde bitchy spoon.

Yahoo! Answers?

If you haven't already discovered it, Yahoo! has an interesting feature called Yahoo!Answers. The concept is that you can post questions rolling around in your brain, and random strangers can answer them. 

I highly recommend perusing it if you need to kill time. Or are so drunk you can't stand up.

Some of the questions are completely un-answerable:

Everyone just hates me..and its not now, from the time I took birth..and I dint know the reason.Ok..everyone can't go wrong so it is I who makes the faults every time.but I just dont mean them.However,I say sorry to the people immediately I realize it.But nothing works.Why the hell I am so bad! I feel like taking birth was my biggest fault.But whom to say sorry?Whom...........?

Other folks are trolling for the answers to homework for books they clearly haven't read.

Her are 10 questons i have to anser about Night by Elie somebody. Plez help.

Some ask questions that I am damn glad I have never had to ask.

my 13 year old niece's right foot's skin is "falling" off day by day. we've tried soaking her foot in salt water. it helps but takes a long time. is there faster way to regrow her foot skin in as little time as possible?

Some showcase how different the asker's life is from mine.

I'm looking for the address of a Mexican taliasman & witchcraft in santa monica blvd (Los Angeles).

Some are obviously the result of some bizarre dare or bet.

What would happen if i jumped from the 2nd floor of my house to the 1st floor, onto a couch?

And some will keep you thinking for the next decade or two.

If a person is trying to think that no one is honestly bad if their actions are viewed in the right context?

Finally, I leave you with this thought-provoking gem:

I need help with my mind can someone help me?

Get in line, my friend. Get in line.

Obsessed!

My daughter has a current obsession. Her musical Baby Einstein star. I put it on her bouncer rail and turn it on.. when it stops, she fusses until I turn it on again.

I may have to stage an intervention.

I have a new obsession today, thanks to petuniafacedgirl.blogspot.com.

It's the magical website, faceinhole.com.

I have spent all day putting my sweet, macho husband's face in compromising situations.

See Exhibits below...

Nope! No time to write a real blog entry today.... instead, I simply MUST superimpose more faces!

Please go to faceinhole.com and enjoy the hilarity yourself.

By the way... weighed myself this morning and I've lost 4 pounds this week. Rawk.

Poochie of My Heart

We are absolutely heartbroken.

Heartbroken, to the point of tears, about our beloved dog, Katie.

Four years ago, there was an idiot that worked at my company. He was allegedly a sales manager, but he sat in his office all day and either played "Whack-a-mole" on his computer or invented new ways to secretly sleep (my favorite, with the phone propped up against his shoulder and cowboy boots on the desk).

Not surprisingly, this idiot had an equally idiotic girlfriend. And this woman one day brought to the office an adorable little pumpkin-colored puppy. This puppy. Oh, God. I picked her up and she snuffled into my neck and made piggy noises. And the smell of puppy breath. Delicious.

This idiotic woman was on the way to take this puppy to the pound because her 3 12-year-old schnauzers didn't like it. How she couldn't foresee this eventuality... idiot, idiot, idiot.

Normally, I would think that this adorable puppy had a chance at the pound before the timer dings and the lethal injection gets primed. But this puppy was a pit bull. And this is New Mexico.

She was so soft with such a wonderfully tubby tummy. I couldn't stand the idea of her becoming some gangster chulo's dog, hunting chihuahuas. Or her being trained to fight other dogs, living out her days in a tiny cage filled with her own shit.

So, I brought her home.

In the beginning, she was perfect. She was so loving and funny. She adored Doggy Day Care and romping with the other puppies. She was housebroken in less than 24 hours and rarely chewed up anything important.

But then she got older. And she was soon a 70 pound freight train, knocking over any guest that come through the front door with her desperate need for attention and love, love, love. 

We got a trainer, we spent hundreds of dollars to work this through, but she continued to be a freight train. When people come over, we lock her away.

Then the dog attacked her. And this puppy who loved other puppies, suddenly became terrified of them. And her terror manifests itself as a snarling beast.

We got a trainer, we spent hundreds of dollars to work this through, but she continued to be a snarling beast. When dogs are around, we lock her away.

But this dog of ours... she continues to be the most loving dog we've ever known. She sits on our feet, wedges her head between our knees, gives kisses on command; all in an attempt to be close to us, to melt into us.

And all of that is sweet and wonderful... unless the dog is 70 pounds and your premature baby is 

barely 8 pounds. 

There have been... incidents.

My husband and I have looked at each other and looked at Katie and made the hard decision. We have to find her a new home. And yes, we have cried, huge crocodile tears, at the idea of our home without The Snugglebutt. The sweetest , most loving dog we have ever known.

Wanted: One willing dog owner. Must be willing to make sacrifices: namely your humility when people visit your home and any dignity at the veterinarian's office. You must be willing to own no  other dogs, cats, or children... basically, no other small mammals of any kind. 

You must also be willing to share your bed, sofa, and heart with a solidly packed lump of love. You must be willing to accept wet kisses and slobbery tennis balls. You must be willing to accept unconditional love. 

Let me know if you are interested.

Dieting for The Retarded

Okay, I did it.

I, who sells things for a living, bought the sales pitch of Jillian "Born A Man" Michaels.

I, the cynical skeptic, empathized with Oprah's admission that she was pushing 200 pounds again.

I relinquished control and acknowledged that I cannot make decent food decisions. 

(For proof, please refer to Exhibit A, a.k.a. my da-donka-donk butt.)

I signed up for eDiets meal delivery.

This is a picture of my refrigerator and one full week of breakfast, lunch and dinner.

It's just one shelf. 21 meals in one shelf. 

Clearly, this endeavor will teach me portion control, if nothing else.

How is the food, you ask?

So far I've enjoyed strawberry yogurt with raisins, sunflower seeds, and yogurt for breakfast; for lunch, a whole wheat tortilla wrap with grilled chicken, grilled vegetables, and honey mustard dressing. And it wasn't bad at all! Everything is fresh, never frozen, so it's a much better experience than, say, Lean Cuisine.

I'm dialing in to this, with cheerful mantras swimming through my brain: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!" and "I can't wait to button my pants again!" But, also the more cutting ones:  "I don't want to hate my mirror reflection anymore" and  "I must set a good example for my daughter; I never want her to hate her body like I do".

Dinner awaits! Meatloaf with pesto and spinach, roasted red potatoes and Sicilian blend vegetables. I can feel the fat melting away.... I'm confident these 30 pounds will be gone by the end of the month... 

But, right now I'm remembering a Hallmark card my friend once sent me. 

On the front it says "I'm on a diet and making better choices. Instead of a hot fudge sundae, I have a salad. Instead of taking the elevator, I'm taking the stairs." 

On the inside: "Instead of talking to people, I'm ripping their heads off. Instead of opening the door, I'm ripping it off the hinges. Instead of eating more, I'm gnawing my hand off until my arm is nothing but a bloody stump."

Amen, Hallmark. Amen.

Meghan's Favorite Things

Did you catch Oprah's famed "My Favorite Things" show this year?

"No, you pirate hooker." you're thinking. "I'm not the one on maternity leave." Well, you missed NOTHING. Because of "the economy" she had this lame episode on making homemade gifts and what the spirit of the holidays really means.... barf.

So, I'm going to pick up the slack for her. Especially for you folks who haven't finished your holiday shopping (slackers).

1. Noodle & Boo Glowology, The Balm

Technically, this stuff is for pregnant chicks. But it is The Best lotion/cream I have ever used. Have you ever trapped yourself in a room because you've put so much lotion on your hands that you can't get the doorknob turned? (Please tell me it's not just me.) I HATE that lubed up feeling. But, I also hate lotions that have so much water in them that you'd moisturize better just washing your hands. This stuff is that wonderful happy medium that melts into skin and smells Deeeeeelicious. 

2. Chip Skip by OPI

Holy shit! This stuff totally works!  Last Wednesday I polished my nails a nice snowy white (sheer white, not that Liquid Paper crap that Heidi Montag accessorized her fake wedding ring with). Being the experimental type, I put the Chip Skip on my right (dominant) hand and polished and top-coated as usual on my left. 

Now, my left hand looks like a crack whore's manicure and my right hand looks like it did last Wednesday. How does it work? Elven magic, obviously.

3. Domino's Pizza's Oven Baked Italian Sandwich

$4.99 and hot to your door. The bread is a delicious amalgamation of Schlotzky's and panini. There's yummy italian meats and banana peppers and lots of cheese. You can also get it as a meal deal with chips and a drink. I have NO idea what the calorie count is on this thing - and I absolutely don't want to know. Pure sandwich heaven.

I couldn't find a picture of this puppy, so go to Dominos.com to drool for yourself. They also have a neat-o online ordering system that tells you minute-by-minute where your order is. So you know exactly what time your order left the store. I enjoy this feature because I can wipe the acne spot treatment off my face before the doorbell rings.

4. Bare Escentuals bareMinerals Foundation

I'm from Texas, so you know I learned the concealer-liquid foundation-powder dance at an early age. Even though I now live in the most casual state in the union, I still refuse to go to the grocery store without foundation and lip gloss. So I NEVER thought that I would be perfectly thrilled with powder foundation. But, sisters, this stuff will change your life.

It takes ten nanoseconds to apply. You just buff it on. It fills in your pores and covers all the uneven skin tone you can dish at it. It lasts all days and covers zits like a dream. I recommend the kabuki brush for all over your face and the concealer brush for spot treatments. 

Each container lasts 6 months or longer and the color will not turn on you. It also has SPF 15, so you don't need a separate sunscreen. 

I recommend finding a local store that sells the stuff for the best color match (in ABQ, it's Katharoz). 

5. HungryGirl.com Daily Emails

I have a love-hate relationship with food. I love it, so I eat a lot of it, then hate it. See how that works?

Case in point, see # 3 above. 

I'm constantly on a diet. If I'm not watching every morsel that goes in my mouth, I'm gaining weight. 

I love hungrygirl.com because not only does she have great recipes that taste good and don't make you feel like an asshole for eating it, she also has great food finds and the inside scoop on new items coming to your grocery store. If you're a Weight Watcher, she gives the Points value for everything. 

I highly recommend signing up for her daily emails... there's a gem in every single one.

That's five for you to chew on now... please comment and leave me YOUR favorite things for 2008!

A Letter To My Daughter

Dear Audrey Bear,

Mommy will be going back to work in a few weeks; my maternity leave will be over soon.

This means that the days that you have become used to will change a bit. I won't be able to spend as much time with you.

So here is what I need you to know.

By the time 5:01 am on September 21st rolled around, I had already been in the hospital for almost a week. During that week, every single action I did was for you. For making you healthy and helping you grow. I had lots of shots, which you've unfortunately already learned about. I had tubes in my arms and lots of different liquids going through my veins. All of these liquids were for you, my sunshine. 

In the early morning of that Sunday, it was very quiet. Your daddy snored on the pull-out sofa, your grandmother read in a chair, your grandfather silently paced the hall. The IV machines clicked away and then, it was time. It was your time. And we rushed down the hall to the bright, hot OR. I looked over at your daddy in his blue scrubs, his eyes were huge, and I knew he couldn't wait either. Couldn't wait to see you.

Twenty minutes later, they laid you on top of my stomach and oh. oh. oh. I looked you all over, at your beautiful toes and fingers. You were so small but so perfect. And then you were gone, because you needed a special machine to help you breathe. 

You lived in a special crib in a special room for 27 days and we visited you every day. I held you every day for hours, even when there were so many tubes and wires attached to you that it was like untangling spaghetti. 

I felt a lot of things during those days. I felt so much love and so much guilt. I worried that I hadn't done enough for you, that I hadn't done the right things, that I wasn't a good mommy. But when I told your smart daddy these things, he told me I was wrong. That my love love love was great enough for you to be just fine. And he was right. Because now you are fine. More than fine. You are the everything.

People ask if I feel guilty going back to work and not spending all my time with you. But, I don't. At least not right now. Because, honey, I want so bad for you to learn that you can do anything in this world. You can be anything you want to be on the power of your own will. And I have to teach you that; I have to show you that. 

I will miss these drowsy days I've spent with you, watching Maury's paternity tests and Ellen's goofy dancing. Taking walks and changing countless diapers. Holding you as you sleep, singing soft songs, smelling your baby smell. Oh, my turnip. It's been a joy.

So things will change a bit in January. But the one thing that will not change is how much I love love love you. You are the everything.

I will still hold you for hours,

Mommy

You Think YOU Had a Bad Day

God, how I wish I was fluent in whatever Germanic language they are speaking in this video. Because what kind of consoling statements can the hostess shell out to this Cobra Kai reject?

Nine times he tries, with a solid, teeth-clattering miss on #5. What can be going through his head on say, Attempt #4? 

My guess: Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Sweep the leg, Johnny.

Plunge Taken

Here's my intent.

Musings of the Minckle Mouse, including my stronger strengths:

• My thoughts on new preemie motherhood. My daughter is friggin' adorable. Eat her with a spoon.
• Pet peeves (ironically, I hate that phrase) and people who piss me off.
• Obsessions with beauty products and train-wreck television.
  

Basically, I'm thinking - don't box me into a blog genre. I will rip through it with my eye-teeth. Grrr.

I've had plenty of inspiration...

The first being the model of the anti-blog. Need a hint? Green. Beans.

Notice I said "anti-blog", which assures you that this blog will not include gnomes, obese dogs, and ceiling fan installations.

The second being loony friends who keep insisting that the world would be a better place with my thoughts cluttering the Interweb. 

The third being the genius of Susannah, mistress of Petunia Faced Girl, whose encouraging email pushed me over the edge. If you have not discovered the heroin addiction of her blog yet, go there and shoot it between your toes.

Let's begin...